If Noah Built an Ark in 2009

If Noah Built an Ark in 2009

And lo, in the year 2009, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said: “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.”

“Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.”

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but there was no ark.

“Noah! I’m about to start the rain! Where is the ark?”

“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed.”

“I needed a building permit.”

“I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.”

“My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.”

“Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.”

“Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.”

“I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but no go!”

“When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.”

“Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.”

“I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.”

“Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.”

“The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience.

“To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.”

“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.”

Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”

“No,” said the Lord. “The government beat me to it.”

Help – Sunbeams!

I work part-time as a teacher of family doctors. The program provides training on psychiatric disorders and emphasizes the importance of emotional support. The new doctors are given plenty of time in clinic to visit with their patients and learn about their challenges. One of our interns who has never lived in Utah and knows nothing about Mormons is still struggling to understand the cultural climate here. Last week he was interviewing a new patient and stumbled on what he thought was a raging psychosis.

Doctor: “Well, Mrs. Olsen, we’ve talked about your high blood pressure and your medications. Are you experiencing any particular stress in your life?”

Patient: “Oh, yes! It’s the Sunbeams. They’re driving me crazy.”

Doctor (very surprised): “The sun beams?”

Patient: “Yes. I’ve never had trouble with them before, but this group won’t sit still. They bounce all over the room, and run out the door and down the hall.”

Doctor (reaching for a pen): “Have you told anyone about this?”

Patient: “Of course. I told the president.”

Doctor: “Really! What did the president tell you?”

Patient: “She said Sunbeams are like that. I’m just going to have to learn to deal with them.”

Doctor (concerned that he may be missing something): “I know people who are sensitive to sun beams. Do they cause you a rash or anything?”

Patient (confused): “A rash? No.”

Doctor: “What’s the biggest problem they’re creating?”

Patient: “It’s the noise. They just won’t quit talking.”

Doctor (astonished): “The sun beams are talking to you?”

Patient: “Well, yes. But mostly they talk to each other.”

Doctor (scribbling furiously in the chart): “I see. Can anyone else hear them talking?”

Patient (after a moment of stunned silence): “You’re not LDS, are you?

(For those not Mormon – sunbeams is the name of the class for the 3 year olds)

Humor: Golfer and the Caddy

#10 Golfer: “I think I am going to drown myself in the lake.”
Caddy: “Think you can keep your head down that long?”

#9 Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddy: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”

#8 Golfer: “Do you think that my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”

#7 Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”
Caddy: “Eventually!”

#6 Golfer: “You got to be the worst caddy in the world.”
Caddy: “I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.”

#5 Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time.”
Caddy: “It’s not a watch, it is a compass.”

#4 Golfer: “How do you like my game?”
Caddy: “Very good sir, but personally I prefer golf..”

#3 Golfer: “Do you think it is a sin to play on Sunday?”
Caddy: “The way you play, sir, it is a sin on any day.”

#2 Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.”

AND THE #1 BEST CADDY COMMENT …

Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it is too old.”
Caddy: “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.”

Funeral Cookies

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

“Stay out of those,” she said, “they’re for the funeral.”

Installing Husband 1.0

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. Continue reading “Installing Husband 1.0”

I Wish I Were a Liberal

I Want To Be A Liberal
Nancy Morgan
RightBias.com
May 21, 2009

This article was originally published in AmericanThinker, May 19, 2009

I want to be a liberal, because then everyone will like me. My family will start talking to me again, and chances are, my ex-husband will want to renew the marriage vows he broke when I started spouting conservative opinions.