Tag Archives: Humor

George Carlin – Amazing Monologue

Sesame Street and Old Spice

Grandchildren

>She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young  granddaughter, as she’d done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!”   I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye….

>My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”

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Why Can’t Mormons Send Flowers?

“Spending like a drunken sailor”

From Worland Wyoming…

“I object to the press suggestion that Obama and Congress are spending money like a Drunken Sailor.

As a former Drunken Sailor, I quit spending when I ran out of money..”

Lt Hargraves
USN Retired
Worland

Advice to High School/College Students and Graduating Seniors

In honor of the high school and college seniors now graduating – here is Charles Sykes Famous Advice

Rule 1: Life is not fair – get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

Humor: Metaphorically Speaking

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country.  Here are last year’s winners:

 1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

 2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

 3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

 4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room temperature Texas beef.

 5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

 6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

 7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

 8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

 9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

 10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

 11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30

 12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

 13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

 14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

 15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled David Letterman’s teeth.

 16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

 17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River .

 18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

 19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

 20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

 21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

 22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

 23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

 24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

 25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

(Source: Unknown)

Grandma Packing Heat

Articles of Faith of Mormon Culture

Articles of Faith of Mormon Culture

1. We believe in SUVs and minivans, as the form of transportation, and in knee length shorts, which are always nice, and in the multilevel marketing.

2. We believe that church ball players should be punished for their own fouls, and not for unsportsmanlike aggression.

3. We believe that through bread crumbs, cheese, creamy soups, and rice all casseroles can be saved through obedience to ward cookbooks and creativity in the mixing bowl.

4. We believe that the first layers and ingredients of the Dip are: first, beans; second, cheese; third, chopped tomatoes; fourth, the gift of sour cream; fifth, olives; sixth, salsa; seventh, guacamole, that is, if you have it.

5. We believe that a Mormon should have a distinguished or a cute name, that it is appropriate to name a child after a church leader or a historical figure including an ancestor, that alternative spellings and French prefixes only add to a name, and that when referring to the names of General Authorities, middle initials should be a part thereof.

6. We believe in the same wall decor that exists in many Mormon homes, namely, framed family proclamations, vinyl lettering, inspirational word signs, family photos, pictures of temples and Jesus, and so forth.

7. We believe in the gift of the re-gift, church books, crafts, family photos, baked goods, emergency supply kits, and so forth.

8. We believe in sparkling grape juice so long as it is nonalcoholic; we also believe in bringing root beer and Sprite to ward parties.

9. We believe in all that we have scrapbooked, all that we will now scrapbook, and we believe that we will yet scrapbook many great and important things pertaining to our family, friends, pets, and vacations.

10. We believe in the literal mixing of ketchup and mayo and in the generous application of ranch dressing; that CBAs (church-based acronyms) will be used to describe YM/YW, PEC, the Y, NCMO, and CTR; that Mitt Romney will get Mormons to vote for him any time he runs; and, that the Mormons will enjoy reading Twilight and The Work and the Glory.

11. We claim the privilege of trying to identify common acquaintances with any visitor at church, and allow all other people at church the same privilege, and let them name drop the names of famous and general authorities how, where, or what they may.

12. We believe in being subject to scoutmasters, pampered chef hostesses, and the writers of the U.S. News and World Report Rankings for professional schools, and in obeying, honoring, and sustaining Glenn Beck.

13. We believe in being above average, good at crafts, optimistic, and being fifteen minutes late everywhere we go. Indeed, we may say that we follow BYU football. We believe rumors about famous people joining the church, we hope to meet the three Nephites, we have endured many pyramid schemes, and hope to be able to endure all pyramid schemes. If there is anything cheap, free, sold in bulk, or given away when somebody is moving, we seek after these things.

(Author Unknown)

Florida Court Sets Atheist Holy Day

In  Florida , an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days.  He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days.  The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge.  After listening to  the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,”Case dismissed!”

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, “Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case?  The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others.  The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and  Hanukkah, yet my
client and all other atheists have no such holidays..”

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, “But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant.”
The lawyer said, “Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists..”

The judge said, “The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, ‘The fool says in his heart, there is no God.’  Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.”

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!

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