Category: Humor

Top Meeting Quotes 2001-2010

Top Meeting Quotes 2001-2010

  1.  No one is using it so there aren’t any complaints
  2. We will try anything easy that doesn’t work before we try anything hard that does work.
  3. We need two smart people working this… so far we have one
  4. In the worst case scenario, you end up in a Mad Max world where all you need is a pointy stick and a water filter.
  5. We’re paralyzed so the process is working.
  6. Risks have a tendency to get together and talk to each other.
  7. Directors are like icebergs, you know they’re moving you just can’t tell.
  8. When you look around the table and can’t find the sucker… the sucker is you.
  9. Dismay seemed optimistic.
  10. The numbers haven’t changed but everyone’s opinion of them has.
  11. We have to do what the boss says without negatively impacting the business.
  12. I don’t want to represent this alternate as particularly well thought out.
  13. Don’t do something stupid to meet the target, but not making the target would be stupid.
  14. How much time should we spend evaluating non-viable options?
  15. How could such a bad plan go so horribly wrong?
  16. Whenever the cowboy starts bucking before the horse, the outcome’s never good
  17. If work were fun we’d still be plowing fields with sticks
  18. OK, well I’m off to where the carpets are thick and the minds are thin.
  19. I may have inadvertently knocked the candle over but someone else spilled gasoline all over the floor
  20. He cannot come in here like a hippie on a bicycle and make up new requirements.
  21. Dave has his quirks – being impressed by upper management isn’t one of them
  22. When I say “we” I mean Kevin.
  23. We should rename this process “how to make a customer wait”.
  24. We follow the Serengeti principle- if it limps we kill it.
  25. The longer I’ve been away from that job the better I did at it.
  26. I heard some people not clapping.
  27. We are carrot people, not stick people
  28. Climb into the pinball machine with me
  29. Everyone else is bringing their finance director so you need to lawyer-up too.
  30. We are forecasting ahead of our intelligence.
  31. I invited you to this meeting for the same reason you take friends with you when you see a scary movie.
  32. I actually have less data than I showed you.
  33. Meddling with the accounting is not a mitigation plan.
  34. If you want to be positive, you could say “not all of our customers are being let down.”
  35. We call that work around a blatant violation of the process.
  36. Since I’m an old manufacturing guy, will you tell me when I’m supposed to be offended?
  37. Grass is always greener over the septic field.
  38. We want to find early adopters not early doubters.
  39. I didn’t think this imperative meant that we were actually going to do anything.”
  40. We are technically correct but we are going to have to have a very painful conversation with the boss for no apparent reason.
  41. We have skeletons in our closet but our closet is inside of a bigger closet.
  42. The more important the job is the more interruptions occur asking about the job.
  43. Let’s put on our pilot hats on and not worry about the details.
  44. You’re obviously attaching way too much importance to what I’m saying.
  45. We can use the time tested process of using 33 seconds to develop the data and 5 weeks to review and debate the numbers.
  46. I don’t have time to ignore that note from Q.  I’ll delegate it to you to ignore.
  47. Our risk is mitigated because he doesn’t have any people to produce the information that we don’t have any people to review.
  48. You have the wrong audience if you want to know what workers do.  We don’t do anything but sit in these meetings.
  49. The initial feedback is “everything’s crap”.
  50. We have people and engineers at our table.

Source: Peter Weertman, Boeing, Oct. 2011

Why Men Shouldn’t Write Advice Columns

Chopping Wood – Redneck-style

“Hello, is this the Sheriff’s Office?”

”Yes, What can I do for you?”

” I’m calling to report ’bout my neighbor Virgil Smith…. He’s hiding marijuana inside his firewood! Don’t quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he’s hidin’ it there.”

”Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, the Sheriff’s Deputies descend on Virgil’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood. but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly after, the phone rings at Virgil’s house. ”Hey, Virgil, This here’s Floyd…. Did the Sheriff come?”

”Yeah!”

”Did they chop your firewood for the winter?”

”Yep!”

”Happy Birthday, buddy!”

Rednecks know how to git-er-done!!!

2012 Election Bumper Stickers

2012 Election Bumper Stickers

Hilarious video from Jon Stewart about Unions using cheap labor

Link to video

World’s Most Expensive Accidents

Worlds_Most_Expensive_Accidents

Sayings…..

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’

13. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.

22. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

How to simulate being in the navy

How to Simulate Being in the Navy

1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for three months.

2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

3. Repaint your entire house every month.

4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down. Take turns watching each other with a stop watch to limit usage.

5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

6. Once a week, blow air up your chimney, with a leaf blower and let the wind carry the soot onto your neighbor’s house. Ignore his complaints.

7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and reassemble them.

8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.

9. Disassemble and inspect your lawn mower every week.

10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water, so no bathing will be allowed.

11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can’t turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say “Sorry, wrong rack.”

13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house – dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. Re-qualify every 6 months. No ice cream or liberty until all qual cards are completed.

14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout “Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up.”

15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she’s going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you.

16. Submit a request chit (in triplicate) to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500 hours.

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. “Now sweepers, sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all **** cans and butt kits!”

18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering the rest.

19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one — the same one every night.

20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting “Now – general quarters, general quarters! All hands man your battle stations!

21. Make your family’s menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.

22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (mid rats)

25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose and put out a simulated fire.

26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog into the pool and shout “Man overboard, port side!” Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don’t plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup, “Stove manned and ready.” After an hour or so, speak into the cup again “Stove secured.” Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoe box.

28. Make your family turn out all the lights and go to bed at 10 p.m. “Now taps, taps! Lights out! Maintain silence throughout the ship!” Then immediately have an 18-wheeler crash into your house. (For aircraft carrier sailors.)

29. Build a fire in a trash can in your garage. Loudly announce to your family, “This is a drill, this is a drill! Fire in hangar bay one!”

30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand in front of the podium for 4-hour intervals. (Best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.)

31. Next time there’s a bad thunderstorm in your area, find the biggest horse you can, put a two-inch mattress on his back, strap yourself to it and turn him loose in a barn for six hours. Then get up and go to work.

32. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room, and run it all day long.

33. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

34. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

35. Sew the back pockets of your jeans onto the front.

36. Add 1/3 cup of diesel fuel to your dirty laundry.

37. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.

38. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink beer until you are hammered, then walk all the way home.

39. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you’ll take them to Disney World for liberty. At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.

40. Line your family up and tell then they must be inoculated prior to going “ashore” due to local diseases. After waiting two hours, stab them with multiple punctures in both arms from a dull sewing needle. Don’t let the rubbing alcohol dry so it burns more…

41. Buy everyone a single pair of blue coveralls and have them wear it for the next three months. Tell them they can wash it and their skives “tomorrow”. When tomorrow comes, repeat message they can wash “tomorrow”

Humorous invocation at NASCAR race

The Preacher and the Broken Zipper