Tag: Humor

Difference between Democrat and Republican

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.  She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,”Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

“She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.”

“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”

The man smiled and responded, “You must be an Obama Democrat.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.”

Wisdom from Military Experience

‘If the enemy is in range, so are you.’

– Infantry Journal

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‘It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.’

– US. Air Force Manual

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Continue reading “Wisdom from Military Experience”

The Tomato Garden

The Tomato Garden

An old Italian lived alone. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

 

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 am the next morning, CID agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

 

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie

Fifty Years of Math

Fifty Years of Math 1959 – 2009  (in the USA )

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters , but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it’s ok. )

6. Teaching Math In 2009

Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

Wal-Mart Cake – Lost in Translation

It took me a second, but make sure you read the story under the picture. Keep in mind this actually really did happen. This is someone who was moving from an insurance claims office.

walmartcake

So this is how I imagine the conversation went:

Walmart Employee:          ‘Hello ‘dis be Walmarts, how can I help you?’

Customer:                             ‘ I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.’

Walmart Employee:          ‘What you want on de cake?’

Customer:                             ‘Best Wishes Suzanne’ and underneath that    ‘We will miss you’.

STOP LAUGHING!

You can’t fix stupid.

Hijacked Mormons ;-)

HIJACKED MORMONS

A primary president, a high councilman, and a bishop sat on the front row of a airplane flight that, unfortunately, was hijacked. When the hijackers’ demands were refused, they threatened to shoot some passengers, starting with the first row.

The primary president promptly asked for one last wish. She wanted to sing her favorite primary song. The hijacker said that would be fine, then asked the high councilman and bishop if they also had a last wish. The high councilman requested that after the song he be allowed to stand and give the talk he had prepared to give in sacrament meeting that next Sunday.

The hijacker agreed, then turned to the bishop. The bishop motioned for the hijacker to come closer and whispered in his ear, “Please shoot me after the song.”

Microsoft asks feds for a bailout

The software giant claims it is too big to fail, yet short on funds. Link

Obama to Strip Pittsburgh Steelers of Trophies

Pittsburgh, PA.     The Super Bowl XLIII Champion Pittsburgh Steelers, the only team to win six titles, will soon be losing half of those trophies. After a meeting between NFL Commissioner Rodger Gadel and President Barack Hussain Obama, Obama decided to redistribute half of their Steeler Super Bowl victories and trophies to less fortunate teams in the league.

Continue reading “Obama to Strip Pittsburgh Steelers of Trophies”

Idiot Home Repairs

The following are some examples of how NOT to do home repairs.

Do you really want the power outlet and toilet paper holder IN the shower?
Do you really want a power outlet and toilet paper holder IN the shower?

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Humor: Wal-Mart baby ;-)

Link