Category: LDS-Mormon

Articles of Faith of Mormon Culture

Articles of Faith of Mormon Culture

1. We believe in SUVs and minivans, as the form of transportation, and in knee length shorts, which are always nice, and in the multilevel marketing.

2. We believe that church ball players should be punished for their own fouls, and not for unsportsmanlike aggression.

3. We believe that through bread crumbs, cheese, creamy soups, and rice all casseroles can be saved through obedience to ward cookbooks and creativity in the mixing bowl.

4. We believe that the first layers and ingredients of the Dip are: first, beans; second, cheese; third, chopped tomatoes; fourth, the gift of sour cream; fifth, olives; sixth, salsa; seventh, guacamole, that is, if you have it.

5. We believe that a Mormon should have a distinguished or a cute name, that it is appropriate to name a child after a church leader or a historical figure including an ancestor, that alternative spellings and French prefixes only add to a name, and that when referring to the names of General Authorities, middle initials should be a part thereof.

6. We believe in the same wall decor that exists in many Mormon homes, namely, framed family proclamations, vinyl lettering, inspirational word signs, family photos, pictures of temples and Jesus, and so forth.

7. We believe in the gift of the re-gift, church books, crafts, family photos, baked goods, emergency supply kits, and so forth.

8. We believe in sparkling grape juice so long as it is nonalcoholic; we also believe in bringing root beer and Sprite to ward parties.

9. We believe in all that we have scrapbooked, all that we will now scrapbook, and we believe that we will yet scrapbook many great and important things pertaining to our family, friends, pets, and vacations.

10. We believe in the literal mixing of ketchup and mayo and in the generous application of ranch dressing; that CBAs (church-based acronyms) will be used to describe YM/YW, PEC, the Y, NCMO, and CTR; that Mitt Romney will get Mormons to vote for him any time he runs; and, that the Mormons will enjoy reading Twilight and The Work and the Glory.

11. We claim the privilege of trying to identify common acquaintances with any visitor at church, and allow all other people at church the same privilege, and let them name drop the names of famous and general authorities how, where, or what they may.

12. We believe in being subject to scoutmasters, pampered chef hostesses, and the writers of the U.S. News and World Report Rankings for professional schools, and in obeying, honoring, and sustaining Glenn Beck.

13. We believe in being above average, good at crafts, optimistic, and being fifteen minutes late everywhere we go. Indeed, we may say that we follow BYU football. We believe rumors about famous people joining the church, we hope to meet the three Nephites, we have endured many pyramid schemes, and hope to be able to endure all pyramid schemes. If there is anything cheap, free, sold in bulk, or given away when somebody is moving, we seek after these things.

(Author Unknown)

Another Testament of Christ

What Matters most

Help – Sunbeams!

I work part-time as a teacher of family doctors. The program provides training on psychiatric disorders and emphasizes the importance of emotional support. The new doctors are given plenty of time in clinic to visit with their patients and learn about their challenges. One of our interns who has never lived in Utah and knows nothing about Mormons is still struggling to understand the cultural climate here. Last week he was interviewing a new patient and stumbled on what he thought was a raging psychosis.

Doctor: “Well, Mrs. Olsen, we’ve talked about your high blood pressure and your medications. Are you experiencing any particular stress in your life?”

Patient: “Oh, yes! It’s the Sunbeams. They’re driving me crazy.”

Doctor (very surprised): “The sun beams?”

Patient: “Yes. I’ve never had trouble with them before, but this group won’t sit still. They bounce all over the room, and run out the door and down the hall.”

Doctor (reaching for a pen): “Have you told anyone about this?”

Patient: “Of course. I told the president.”

Doctor: “Really! What did the president tell you?”

Patient: “She said Sunbeams are like that. I’m just going to have to learn to deal with them.”

Doctor (concerned that he may be missing something): “I know people who are sensitive to sun beams. Do they cause you a rash or anything?”

Patient (confused): “A rash? No.”

Doctor: “What’s the biggest problem they’re creating?”

Patient: “It’s the noise. They just won’t quit talking.”

Doctor (astonished): “The sun beams are talking to you?”

Patient: “Well, yes. But mostly they talk to each other.”

Doctor (scribbling furiously in the chart): “I see. Can anyone else hear them talking?”

Patient (after a moment of stunned silence): “You’re not LDS, are you?

(For those not Mormon – sunbeams is the name of the class for the 3 year olds)

A Father Indeed

The story of a committed husband and father who consistently and passionately demonstrates his love and devotion to his wife and kids.

Hijacked Mormons ;-)

HIJACKED MORMONS

A primary president, a high councilman, and a bishop sat on the front row of a airplane flight that, unfortunately, was hijacked. When the hijackers’ demands were refused, they threatened to shoot some passengers, starting with the first row.

The primary president promptly asked for one last wish. She wanted to sing her favorite primary song. The hijacker said that would be fine, then asked the high councilman and bishop if they also had a last wish. The high councilman requested that after the song he be allowed to stand and give the talk he had prepared to give in sacrament meeting that next Sunday.

The hijacker agreed, then turned to the bishop. The bishop motioned for the hijacker to come closer and whispered in his ear, “Please shoot me after the song.”

Why Mormons Build Temples