Category: Humor
Mormon missionaries can ball in the hood
Missing Wife Found by Alaska State Troopers
The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
“We’re sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife”, said one of the troopers.
“Tell me! Did you find her?”, Wilkens exclaimed.
The troopers looked at each other.
One said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?”
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, “Give me the bad news first.”
The trooper said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in Kachemak Bay .”
“Oh my God!”, exclaimed Wilkens.
Swallowing hard, he asked, “What’s the good news?”
The trooper continued, “When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch.”
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, “If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?”
The trooper replied, “We’re gonna pull her up again tomorrow.”
I Wonder Why??
Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a dietcoke?
Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?
Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don’t you ever see the head line ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?
Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do ‘practice’?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff??
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
The Secret to Happiness
One of my all-time favorite TED talks. Well worth the time.
East/West College Bowl
Very funny. Make sure and watch all the way to the end.
Abbott and Costello explain Uncle Sam’s Accounting System for Unemployment Statistics
COSTELLO:Â I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America .
ABBOTT:Â Good Subject. Terrible Times. It’s 9%.
COSTELLO:Â That many people are out of work?
ABBOTT:Â No, that’s 16%.
COSTELLO: You just said 9%.
ABBOTT:Â 9% Unemployed.
COSTELLO:Â Right 9% out of work.
ABBOTT:Â No, that’s 16%.
COSTELLO:Â Â Â Okay, so it’s 16% unemployed.
ABBOTT:Â No, that’s 9% .
COSTELLO:Â WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 9% or 16%?
ABBOTT:Â 9% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.
COSTELLO:Â IF you are out of work you are unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, you can’t count the “Out of Work” as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed
COSTELLO:Â BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!
ABBOTT:Â No, you miss my point.
COSTELLO:Â What point?
ABBOTT:Â Â Someone who doesn’t look for work, can’t be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn’t be fair.
COSTELLO:Â To whom?
ABBOTT:Â The unemployed.
COSTELLO: But they are ALL out of work.
ABBOTT:Â No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work stopped looking. They gave up. And, if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.
COSTELLO:Â So if you’re off the unemployment rolls, that would count as less unemployment?
ABBOTT:Â Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!
COSTELLO:Â The unemployment just goes down because you don’t look for work?
ABBOTT:Â Absolutely it goes down. That’s how you get to 9%. Otherwise it would be 16%. You don’t want to read about 16% unemployment, do ya?
COSTELLO:Â That would be frightening.
ABBOTT:Â Absolutely.
COSTELLO:Â Â Â Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?
ABBOTT:Â Two ways is correct.
COSTELLO:Â Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?
ABBOTT:Â Correct.
COSTELLO:Â And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?
ABBOTT:Â Bingo.
COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to just stop looking for work.
ABBOTT:Â Now you’re thinking like an economist.
COSTELLO:Â I don’t even know what I just said!
ABBOTT: Now you’re thinking like a politician!
Please move the deer crossing signs
Obamacare summed up in one sentence
Ramirez Cartoon: Going After the Top 3%
Zenoch's View 