He is one of my all time favorite producers/directors/writers/actors.
This is a very good commencement address talking about ‘stick-to-itive-ness’
Amusing commencement address by Garry Marshall
May 25, 2012
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Posted by Zenoch
The Difference between Men and Women
April 17, 2012
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The Prodigal Son – in the Key of ‘F’
April 1, 2012Feeling footloose and frisky, a featherbrained fellow forced his father to fork over his farthings. Fast he flew to foreign fields and frittered his family’s fortune, feasting fabulously with floozies and faithless friends. Flooded with flattery he financed a full-fledged fling of “funny foam” and fast food.
Fleeced by his fellows in folly, facing famine, and feeling faintly fuzzy, he found himself a feed-flinger in a filthy foreign farmyard. Feeling frail and fairly famished, he fain would have filled his frame with foraged food from the fodder fragments.
“Fooey,” he figured, “my father’s flunkies fare far fancier,” the frazzled fugitive fumed feverishly, facing the facts. Finally, frustrated from failure and filled with foreboding (but following his feelings) he fled from the filthy foreign farmyard. Faraway, the father focused on the fretful familiar form in the field and flew to him and fondly flung his forearms around the fatigued fugitive. Falling at his father’s feet, the fugitive floundered forlornly, “Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited family favor.”
Finally, the faithful Father, forbidding and forestalling further flinching, frantically flagged the flunkies to fetch forth the finest fatling and fix a feast.
Faithfully, the father’s first-born was in a fertile field fixing fences while father and fugitive were feeling festive. The foreman felt fantastic as he flashed the fortunate news of a familiar family face that had forsaken fatal foolishness. Forty-four feet from the farmhouse the first-born found a farmhand fixing a fatling.
Frowning and finding fault, he found father and fumed, “Floozies and foam from frittered family funds and you fix a feast following the fugitive’s folderol?” The first-born’s fury flashed, but fussing was futile. The frugal first-born felt it was fitting to feel “favored” for his faithfulness and fidelity to family, father, and farm. In foolhardy fashion, he faulted the father for failing to furnish a fatling and feast for his friends. His folly was not in feeling fit for feast and fatling for friends; rather his flaw was
in his feeling about the fairness of the festival for the found fugitive.
His fundamental fallacy was a fixation on favoritism, not forgiveness. Any focus on feeling “favored” will fester and friction will force the faded facade to fall. Frankly, the father felt the frigid first-born’s frugality of forgiveness was formidable and frightful. But the father’s former faithful fortitude and fearless forbearance to forgive both fugitive and first-born flourishes.
The farsighted father figured, “Such fidelity is fine, but what forbids fervent festivity for the fugitive that is found? Unfurl the flags and finery, let fun and frolic freely flow. Former failure is forgotten, folly is forsaken. Forgiveness forms the foundation for future fortune.”
– Author Unknown –
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Why Men Die First
March 22, 2012
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Paraprosdokians
March 12, 2012Paraprosdokians…
PARA-PROS-DOKIANS: (Winston Churchill loved them.)
Here is the definition: “Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.
e.g. “Where there’s a will, I want to be in it,” is a type of paraprosdokian..
………………………………………………………………………………
- Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
- We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
- War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
- Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
- I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
- Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
- I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
- Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. (John Edwards will attest to that)
- A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
- You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute if you want to skydive again.
- Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
- There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
- I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
- You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
- To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, then call whatever you hit, the target.
- Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
- Where there’s a will, there are relatives.
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Why We Love Children
March 9, 2012Why we love children…
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents ..’
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now She’s hitting the bottle.
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop? Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’ ‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her. ‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’
POLICE #2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked.’It sure is,’ I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’ ‘And why not, darling?’ ‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.’ /(I want this line used at my funeral!)
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. ‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out. ‘What have you got there, dear?’ With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’
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Political One-liners
March 6, 2012- The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~Henry Cate, VII
- We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~Aesop
- If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in political speeches there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven. ~Will Rogers
- Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. ~Plato
- Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~Nikita Khrushchev
- When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; Now I believe it. ~Clarence Darrow
- Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~Unknown
- Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~John Quinton
- Politics is the art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~Oscar Ameringer
- I offer my opponents a bargain: If they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952
- I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle
- Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. ~Ronald Reagan
- Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~Doug Larson
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Debt Limit – A Guide to American Federal Debt Made Easy
January 28, 2012
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Top Meeting Quotes 2001-2010
November 8, 2011Top Meeting Quotes 2001-2010
- No one is using it so there aren’t any complaints
- We will try anything easy that doesn’t work before we try anything hard that does work.
- We need two smart people working this… so far we have one
- In the worst case scenario, you end up in a Mad Max world where all you need is a pointy stick and a water filter.
- We’re paralyzed so the process is working.
- Risks have a tendency to get together and talk to each other.
- Directors are like icebergs, you know they’re moving you just can’t tell.
- When you look around the table and can’t find the sucker… the sucker is you.
- Dismay seemed optimistic.
- The numbers haven’t changed but everyone’s opinion of them has.
- We have to do what the boss says without negatively impacting the business.
- I don’t want to represent this alternate as particularly well thought out.
- Don’t do something stupid to meet the target, but not making the target would be stupid.
- How much time should we spend evaluating non-viable options?
- How could such a bad plan go so horribly wrong?
- Whenever the cowboy starts bucking before the horse, the outcome’s never good
- If work were fun we’d still be plowing fields with sticks
- OK, well I’m off to where the carpets are thick and the minds are thin.
- I may have inadvertently knocked the candle over but someone else spilled gasoline all over the floor
- He cannot come in here like a hippie on a bicycle and make up new requirements.
- Dave has his quirks – being impressed by upper management isn’t one of them
- When I say “we” I mean Kevin.
- We should rename this process “how to make a customer wait”.
- We follow the Serengeti principle- if it limps we kill it.
- The longer I’ve been away from that job the better I did at it.
- I heard some people not clapping.
- We are carrot people, not stick people
- Climb into the pinball machine with me
- Everyone else is bringing their finance director so you need to lawyer-up too.
- We are forecasting ahead of our intelligence.
- I invited you to this meeting for the same reason you take friends with you when you see a scary movie.
- I actually have less data than I showed you.
- Meddling with the accounting is not a mitigation plan.
- If you want to be positive, you could say “not all of our customers are being let down.”
- We call that work around a blatant violation of the process.
- Since I’m an old manufacturing guy, will you tell me when I’m supposed to be offended?
- Grass is always greener over the septic field.
- We want to find early adopters not early doubters.
- I didn’t think this imperative meant that we were actually going to do anything.”
- We are technically correct but we are going to have to have a very painful conversation with the boss for no apparent reason.
- We have skeletons in our closet but our closet is inside of a bigger closet.
- The more important the job is the more interruptions occur asking about the job.
- Let’s put on our pilot hats on and not worry about the details.
- You’re obviously attaching way too much importance to what I’m saying.
- We can use the time tested process of using 33 seconds to develop the data and 5 weeks to review and debate the numbers.
- I don’t have time to ignore that note from Q. I’ll delegate it to you to ignore.
- Our risk is mitigated because he doesn’t have any people to produce the information that we don’t have any people to review.
- You have the wrong audience if you want to know what workers do. We don’t do anything but sit in these meetings.
- The initial feedback is “everything’s crap”.
- We have people and engineers at our table.
Source: Peter Weertman, Boeing, Oct. 2011
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Why Men Shouldn’t Write Advice Columns
October 27, 2011
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