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Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Wisdom from Military Manuals

Posted by Zenoch on February 8, 2010

WISDOM FROM MILITARY MANUALS   

 ’If the enemy is in range, so are you.’ 

- Infantry Journal-


 ’It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.’ 

- US.Air Force Manual -


 ’Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.’ 

- General MacArthur -


 ’You, you, and you … Panic. The rest of you, come with me.’ 

-Infantry Sgt.-


 ’Tracers work both ways.’ 

- Army Ordnance Manual-


 ’Five second fuses last about three seconds.’

-Infantry Journal -


 The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser (mobile fuel tank on the runway); Runway behind you;  and Air above you. 

-Basic Flight Training Manual-


 ’Any ship can be a minesweeper.     Once.’ 

- Naval Ops Manual -


 ’Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.’ 

-Unknown Infantry Recruit-


 ’If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.’ 

-Infantry Journal-


 ’Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil.  For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.’ 

- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-


 ’You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3.’ 

-Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-


 ’The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.’ 

-Unknown Author-


 ’If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter — and therefore, unsafe.’

- Fixed Wing Pilot-


 ’When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.’ 

-Multi-Engine Training Manual-


 ’Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.’ 

-Unknown Author-


 ’If you hear me yell; “Eject, Eject, Eject!”, the last two will be echos.’  If you stop to ask “Why?”, you’ll be talking to yourself, because by then you’ll be the pilot.’ 

-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian CF104 Pilot-


 ’What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, …. the pilot dies.’ 

-Sign over Control Tower Door-


 ’Never trade luck for skill.’ 

-Author                Unknown-


 The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are: ’Did you feel that?’  ’What’s that noise?’  and ’Oh &%…!’ 

-Authors Unknown-


 ’Airspeed, altitude and brains.  Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.’ 

-Basic Flight Training Manual-


 ’Mankind has a perfect record in aviation – we have never left one up there!’ 

- Unknown Author -


 ’Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.’ 

- Emergency Checklist-


 ’The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world;  it can just barely kill you.’ 

- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) -


 ’There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.’ 

-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ-


 ’If something hasn’t broken on your helicopter, it’s about to.’ 

-Sign over Carrier Group Operations Desk-


 ’You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.’ 

- Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -


As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having  torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.  The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks, ‘What happened?’  The pilot’s reply: ‘I don’t know, I just got here myself!’

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Politically In-Correct Christmas Party

Posted by Zenoch on December 8, 2009

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE:   December 12, 2009

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at Noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!

We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols.  Feel free to sing along, and don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for  everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family!

Patty

=======================================

Company Memo:

———————————————————-

FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE:  December 13, 2009

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.   We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. From now on we’re calling this our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

==================================================

Company Memo:

———————————————————-

FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE:  December 14, 2009

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only,” you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

And sorry, but —forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER:  NO GIFTS EXCHANGES WILL BE ALLOWED.

=====================================================

Company Memo:

———————————————————-

FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human

Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE:  December 15, 2009

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in a little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men or vise-versa.  Each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the gay men’s table.

To the person asking permission to cross-dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh “low sugar” fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply “no sugar”desserts.  Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

========================================================

Company Memo:

——————————————————-

FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All XXXXX Employees

DATE: December 16, 2009

RE: The xxxxx Holiday Party

I’ve had it with you vegetarian jerks!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your xxxxx salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them.  I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you xxxxx wierdos can kiss my xxxxx. I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive home drunk and die, The xxxxx from xxxx!!!

==================================================

Company Memo:

———————————————————

TO:  All Employees

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: December 17, 2009

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewisa speedy recovery from her nervous breakdown and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off —with full pay!

Happy Holidays!

Joan

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Thanksgiving with Maxine

Posted by Zenoch on November 25, 2009

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He Said, She Said

Posted by Zenoch on November 13, 2009

Why men and women will never understand each other:

ATT00001

Read the rest of this entry »

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Obamaman Can!

Posted by Zenoch on September 14, 2009

Great, funny videos!

Posted in Economic, Humor, Political | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

Obama toons

Posted by Zenoch on August 27, 2009

Some selected Obama political cartoons Read the rest of this entry »

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To Those of Us Born 1930 – 1979

Posted by Zenoch on August 20, 2009

ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE 1930’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and 70’s!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn’t get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.

Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren’t overweight. WHY? Because we were always outside playing…that’s why!

 We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

 No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were OKAY.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.. After running into the bushes a few times, w e learned to solve the problem

We did not have Play stations, Nintendo’s and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD’s, no surround-sound or CD’s, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms.

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping pong paddles, or just a barehand and no one would call child services to report abuse.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!

 The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever.

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

If YOU are one of them, CONGRATULATIONS!

Posted in Advice, Humor | Tagged: , | 1 Comment »

Kids Perspective of Getting a New Sibling

Posted by Zenoch on August 17, 2009

Funny video from Pampers UK  Link

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If Noah Built an Ark in 2009

Posted by Zenoch on July 29, 2009

If Noah Built an Ark in 2009

And lo, in the year 2009, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said: “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.”

“Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.”

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but there was no ark.

“Noah! I’m about to start the rain! Where is the ark?”

“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed.”

“I needed a building permit.”

“I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.”

“My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.”

“Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.”

“Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.”

“I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but no go!”

“When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.”

“Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.”

“I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.”

“Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.”

“The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience.

“To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.”

“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.”

Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”

“No,” said the Lord. “The government beat me to it.”

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Evian Roller Babies

Posted by Zenoch on July 10, 2009

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